I'm in Guadalajara right now, and I'm staying with a host that's really making me reflect about my emotions I have towards a certain thing which I can't figure out completely, YET.
Not gonna lie, it's fcking intense, and it's a bit painful mentally and physically. I've been just fine before and only experienced this heavy discomfort/disconnection around four times in the past two years.
And I think we all have triggers. Right now, I'm really fascinated with things that bring about connection with people and learning to dance is super high on my list. I was practicing salsa with my host and I couldn't figure out the steps. Because I couldn't figure it out, I went into a really solitary and selfish place.
This sucks saying, but this feeling has to do a lot with my dad I think. The connection I have with him is non-existent, and I think it needs some resolution. My dad is a very cold person. I think he never received love and because of this, he has this perception that the world is against him and that he needs to survive. And he tried to instill this mentality into me, but I refused. As a result of this, I set myself apart and decided to do things on my own as well.
So I guess I shut down when I can't figure something out especially around people. In my head, I just can't get why everyone can't be fcking understanding and help someone that needs help.
I feel like that's what I do or at least try to do. Then again, I haven't helped my dad. Maybe that's what needs to happen. Or maybe not.
I don't know what this all means right now, but I don't want to shut down anymore. I want to understand and resolve this, so I can be undisturbed by stuff I can't figure out and especially by competition. I just have to remember it's all a fucking game and there's a process for this shit.
Well, at least I cleared my mind, but the feeling isn't gone. I'll go watch a movie and play some pool to try to get back in flow. Hope it works.